Broken Wings

Time:	9:17 pm.
Mood:	BiTCHY.
Music:	LiPS oF aN aNGeL- BY HiNDeR!.

~~WeLL...i'M a CuTTeR!~~
~~i HaVe BeeN a CuTTeR SiNCe i WaS 17! i STaRTeD CuTTiNG aFTeR i WaS RaPeD! aND i HoNeSTLY DoN'T THiNK i'LL eVeR ReaLLY Be-aBLe To CoMPLeTeLY SToP CuTTiNG!~~
~~WeLL...i STaRTeD CuTTiNG...~~
'CuZ iT WaS TOO DiFFiCuLT To DeaL WiTH BeiNG RaPeD! aND i DiDN'T Go To a HoSPiTaL oR To THe CoPS oR aNYTHiNG aFTeRWaRDS! aND 'CUZ...aFTeR THe RaPeD...NoT TOO MaNY PeoPLe BeLieVeD ME THaT i WaS RaPeD! aND BeCauSe oF THaT...i PuSH eVeRYoNe aWaY...& i DeaLT WiTH aLL THaT i WaS FeeLiNG iNSiDe...aLL BY MYSeLF! aND i DiDN'T KNoW HoW eLSe To DeaL WiTH iT aLL...SOOOO i BeGaN To CuT MYSeLF!
aND aFTeR a WHiLe...THe CuTTiNG GoT ReaLLY BaD! i CuT MYSeLF...WHeN aNYTHiNG iN MY LiFe GoT TOO HaRD To HaNDLe! aND aFTeR a WHiLe...i WaS eVeN CauGHT CuTTiNG MYSeLF iN CLaSS...aT MY oLD HiGH SCHooL! aND aLL i CaN SaY THeSe DaYS...WHeN PeoPLe aSK ME "WHaT THe HeLL i WaS THiNKiNG BaCK THeN"...i JuST SaY i WaSN'T! i WaSN'T THiNKiNG aT aLL! i WaS iN SOOOOO MuCH PaiN BaCK THeN & i WaS DeaLiNG WiTH SOOOOO MuCH...THaT i DiDN'T ReaLLY CaRe aBouT aNYTHiNG...BaCK THeN!
aND THeSe LaST CouPLe YeaRS i'Ve TRieD To SToP...SOOOOO HaRD! BuT i HoNeSTLY...DoN'T THiNK i'LL eVeR Be-aBLe To SToP CuTTiNG CoMPLeTeLY! aND i SaY THaT 'CuZ...i Do SToP...BuT WHeN MY LiFe GeTS TOO HaRD To HaNDLe...i aLWaYS STaRT CuTTiNG aGaiN! NO MaTTeR HoW MuCH i WaNNa CoMPLeTeLY SToP...i aLWaYS Go BaCK To iT!
~~aND i SaY THaT 'CuZ...i SToPPeD CuTTiNG LaST SePTeMBeR (2005)! BuT...LaST WeeK SOOOOOOOOO MaNY THiNGS HaPPeNeD aLL aT oNCe...& i STaRTeD CuTTiNG...aGaiN! aND...i DoN'T KNoW WHaT To Do!~~
~~LiKe HoNeSTLY...~~
~~i DoN'T KNoW HoW To FeeL aBouT iT! i DoN'T KNoW WHaT To THiNK! i DoN'T KNoW WHaT To SaY aBouT iT! i JuST DoN'T KNoW aNYTHiNG aNYMoRe!~~
aLL i FeeL i CaN SaY RiGHT NoW iS...iT FeLT GooD aT THe TiMe...& iT MaDe ME FeeL ReaLLY GooD aFTeR i DiD iT! BuT...THe NeXT MoRNiNG...i FeLT LiKe SHiT...& i ReGReT iT NoW! aND i FeeL LiKe i LeT DoWN eVeRYoNe WHo CaReS aBouT ME!
~~aND THaTS WHY i STaRTeD a LiVe JouRNaL...aCTuaLLY! 'CUZ...uNLiKe MYSPaCe...i CaN SaY aBSoLuTeLY aNYTHiNG oN HeRe...& i FeeL oKaY WiTH iT...& i DoN'T WoRRY aBouT aNYTHiNG THaT i PuT oN HeRe!~~
~~SOOOOOOOO YeaH...WeLL THaTS aLL FoR NoW...TOOTLES!~~

~~-LuV aLWaYS-~~
~~*LuLu-KiTTiN*~~

broken wings

Subject:	MY RaPe...& HoW iT'S eFFeCTeD ME!
Time:	4:03 pm.
Mood:	pissed off.
Music:	SiCK oF iT aLL- BY THe DiSTiLLeRS.

HAVE YOU EVER....HATED SOMEONE....SOOO MUCH....& SOOO BADLY?!! THAT....YOU THOUGHT....THAT THE ONLY WAY, THAT YOU'D STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT PERSON....& WHAT, THAT PERSON DID TO YOU....EVEN IF, IT HAPPENED YEARS AGO....WAS IF, YOU TOOK IT ALL INTO YOUR OWN HANDS?!! 'CAUSE....YOU DON'T THINK, THAT "GOING BY THE LAW" WILL DO ANY GOOD....OR DO ANYTHING....FOR THAT MATTER?!!

AND....HAVE YOU EVER....HATED SOMEONE....SOOO MUCH....& SOOO BADLY?!! THAT....YOU'VE ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT....MANY, MANY, MANY....DIFFERENT WAYS, OF KILLING THAT PERSON?!! AND....MAYBE EVEN....STILL DO THINK....OF KILLING, THAT PERSON?!! AND....HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT....& FELT....LIKE YOU COULD ACTUALLY FULFILL THOSE TOUGHTS....& ACTUALLY KILL, THAT PERSON?!! AND....DO YOU STILL FEEL, THAT WAY?!!

~~BECAUSE....I HAVE!!! AND....I STILL DO, FEEL THAT WAY!!! AND....I JUST WONDER....IF IT'LL EVER GO AWAY!!!~~

AND....BECAUSE....I STILL HATE THAT PERSON....AS MUCH AS I ALWAYS HAVE....IF NOT MORE!!! BECAUSE....WHAT HE DID TO ME?!! WAS, TOTALLY....UN-FORGETTABLE....& TOTALLY....UN-FORGIVABLE!!! AND, EVEN THOUGH, IT HAPPENED....OVER 4 YEARS AGO?!! MOST OF THE TIME....IT STILL FEELS LIKE, IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY!!! AND....STILL....EVEN, TO THIS VERY-DAY....I STILL HAVE NIGHT-MARES....& FLASH-BACKS....OF IT ALL....& OF WHAT HE DID TO ME!!! AND....I JUST WONDER....IF ALL OF THIS ANGER & HATRED & THE MEMORIES....OF EVERYTHING THAT HE DID....& OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED....WILL IT ALL EVER JUST GO AWAY?!!

~~OKAY....FIRST OFF....I WAS 17 1/2 YEARS OLD....& I WAS HAVING MAJOR-MAJOR FAMILY PROBLEMS!!! AND.... MY (THEN) STEP-DAD KICKED MY OUT OF HIS HOUSE!!! AND....I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO-WHERE TO GO!!!~~

WELL....THIS THEN....50 YEAR OLD GUY....AT THE TIME?!! NOT MENTIONING ANY NAMES....DON'T WORRY!!!....LET ME STAY WITH HIM!!! AND....THE ONLY REASON....WHY, I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT STAYING WITH HIM....& WHY, I DID STAY WITH HIM?!! WAS, BECAUSE....HE WAS (& STILL IS) MY (NOW) EX-BOYFRIEND'S "GOOD FRIEND"!!! AND....SOOO....I THOUGHT THAT I WAS PRETTY MUCH SAFE!!! AND....I DIDN'T THINK THAT HE WAS GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO ME WHILE I WAS THERE!!! YOU KNOW?!! AND, ME MAKING THAT CHOICE....& MOVING IN WITH HIM....THAT ENDED-UP BEING ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES....THAT, I COULD EVER MAKE....IN MY LIFE!!!

AND....I SAY THAT, BECAUSE....THE DAY AFTER, I "MOVED IN", WITH HIM?!! HE....RAPED ME!!!! AND, YA....IT HAPPENED OVER 4 YEARS AGO?!! BUT....I STILL, CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!!! AND....I STILL, CAN'T MOVE-ON WITH MY LIFE!!!

AND....I WOULD PUT IT, IN FULL DETAIL....OF WHAT HE DID TO ME....& OF WHAT HAPPENED?!!....BUT....ANYONE, WHO READS THIS....WILL, PROBABLY WANNA KILL HIM!!! MAYBE....AS MUCH AS I WANT TO!!! BUT....NO-ONE WILL EVER WANNA KILL....AS MUCH AS I DO!!! BECAUSE....THEY WEREN'T THE ONE'S RAPED....BY HIM!!!

~~ALL....THAT, I WLL SAY....IS....~~
I SAID...."NO"....& "STOP"!!! AND....HE PUSHED ME DOWN....& HE WOULDN'T LET ME UP....NO-MATTER HOW MUCH & HOW HARD I TRIED....TO STOP HIM (ON HIS RECLINING-CHAIR....THAT WAS IN HIS GARAGE)....HE WOULDN'T!!! AND....HE KEPT SAYING...."YOU KNOW, YOU WANT IT"...."YOU KNOW, YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED ME"...."IT'S ALL YOUR FALT, WITH YOUR CLOTHS, & THE WAY YOU DRESS"....& THE THING THAT GUYS SAY, TO ME....THAT MAKES ME PULL-AWAY & PUSH THEM AWAY....THAT, HE SAID CONSTANTLY....WHILE RAPING ME....WAS...."YOUR SKIN, IS SOOO SOFT"!!!!

AND....HE FORCED ME....TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!!!! AND....I ABSOLUTELY....FUCKING HATE....HIS DUMB FUCKING ASS!!!! FOR....WHAT, HE'S DONE TO ME!!! AND, FOR....WHAT & WHO....HE'S TURNED ME INTO!!!! AND, YA....I WANNA FUCKING KILL HIS FUCKING DUMB-ASS!!!

AFTER....HE RAPED ME?!! I TOTALLY CHANGED!!! I CHANGED....THE WAY I DRESSED....MY ATTITUDE....& I ACTED REALLY-REALLY STRANGE!!! AND....I BECAME REALLY-REALLY DISTANT....& I PUSHED EVERYONE....THAT I CARED ABOUT....& THAT I WAS CLOSE TO....I PUSHED THEM ALL AWAY!!! AND....AFTER HE RAPED ME....I JUST BECAME AN ABSOLUTELY DIFFERENT PERSON....THAT NO-ONE RECOGNIZED!!!

AND, ALSO....AFTER, HE RAPED ME?!! I STARTED TO DO SOMETHING, THAT WAS REALLY-REALLY-REALLY STUPID....& THAT, I NEVER-EVER THOUGHT THAT I'D EVER DO....&, THAT ENDED-UP BECOMING VERY-HIGHLY-ADDICTIVE....& IT WAS VERY-VERY DIFFICULT....TO STOP DOING!!! I STARTED, TO....CUT....& MUTILATE....AT MY BODY!!!

AND....LIKE, MOST RAPE VICTIMS....?!! AFTER....HE RAPED ME?!! I DIDN'T GO TO THE DOCTOR....OR A HOSPITAL....& I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE, ABOUT IT, FOR A VERY LONG TIME!!! AND, WHEN....I FINALLY DID STOP BLAMING MYSELF....FOR WHAT HAPPENED....& FOR, WHAT....HE DID TO ME?!! AND, WHEN....I FINALLY DID GET-UP THE GUTTS & COURAGE....TO TELL EVERYBODY....& TO OPEN-UP....ABOUT THE RAPE?!! NOT MANY PEOPLE, BELIEVED ME....& NOT MANY PEOPLE, THOUGHT OR BELIEVED....THAT, THE GUY WHO RAPED ME....WAS CAPABLE, OF RAPING ME....OR RAPING ANYONE ELSE....FOR THAT MATTER!!! THE PEOPLE....WHO DIDN'T BELIEVE ME....ABOUT THE RAPE....WERE: MY MOM, MY OLDER SISTER, MY GRANDPARENTS, MY (NOW) EX-BOYFRIEND, ALL OF MY EX-'S FAMILY, & ALOT OF OTHER PEOPLE!!! AND....THE PEOPLE....WHO DID BELIEVE ME....ABOUT THE RAPE....WERE: ALL OF MY FRIENDS (THAT I'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH....FOR THA PAST 9 YEARS), THE STAFF....AT: VALLEY VISTA HIGH, & MY FATHER, & MY LITTLE BROTHER, & MY LITTLE SISTER!!!

AND....AFTER HE RAPED ME?!! I MADE....ANOTHER....REALLY-REALLY STUPID MISTAKE!!! INSTEAD, OF TRYING TO GO BACK....TO, MY MOM'S & MY (THEN) STEP-DAD'S HOUSE?!! WHERE....I WAS "PHYSICALLY" ABUSED....& NEGLECTED....& KICKED-OUT, CONSTANTLY....ON A DAILY BASES?!! I DECIDED, TO STAY & TO CONTINUE....LIVING UNDER THE SAME ROOF....AS, MY RAPIST'S!!! AND....I'LL PROBABLY, NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THAT!!!

BECAUSE....HE'S A FUCKING FREAK!!! AND, ALSO BECAUSE....AFTER, THAT ONE TIME (OF RAPING ME)....HE TRIED FORCING HIMSELF ON ME....A FEW TIMES AFTER THAT!!! BUT....FOR SOME WEIRD REASON?!! THOSE OTHER TIMES....I WAS ABLE TO FIGHT BACK....& TO FIGHT HIM OFF OF ME!!!

AND....I STILL STAYED THERE!!! AND, I STILL....TO THIS VERY-DAY....ASK MYSELF?!!...."WHY"....& "WHAT THE HELL, WAS I THINKING"?!! YOU KNOW?!! AND, STILL....TO THIS VERY-DAY....I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY?!!

AND....I STILL HATE HIM!!! AND....I STILL WANNA KILL HIM!!! TO THIS VERY-DAY!!! SOOO....HAVE YOU EVER....HATED SOMEONE....SOOO MUCH....& SOOO BADLY?!! AND....HAVE YOU EVER....HATED SOMEONE....LIKE THAT?!! AND....HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO KILL SOMEONE?!! AND, DO YOU STILL WANNA, KILL THAT PERSON....TO, THIS VERY DAY?!! AND....HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO....TAKE THE LAW INTO YOUR OWN HANDS?!! AND....DO YOU STILL WANT TO....TAKE THE LAW INTO YOUR OWN HANDS?!! LIKE....I DO....?!!

mend my {2} broken wings

Advertisement